“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” – Washington Irving
Everyone will know seasons of loss and grief. Some of these endings we can see approaching months or years ahead of time. A person we love receives a frightening diagnosis. A beloved family member or friend ages into their late years. With time we try to brace ourselves for such a death, riding the roller coaster of emotions as we attempt to gradually accept. Yet, nothing can completely prepare us for the hole this person will leave.
Other times, death is a shock. Unexpected and devastating, we could never imagine having to say goodbye so soon to someone we hold dear. Desperately, we try to keep our heads above the waters as confusion, anger, and sadness take hold.
Grieving the loss of someone we love is a process with no clear map. Just as each relationship is unique, each loss is unique. Our hearts, minds, and bodies need space to grieve. Often, individuals fear getting close to these deep places in oneself. Many people come from families where tears were uncommon and emotions were rarely shared. Death is not a topic openly discussed in our current culture either. For instance, most work places offer a mere three bereavement days for employees. This is quite different from previous times in history when mourning traditions involved weeks of grieving as a community together in and around the deceased’s family’s home. In reality, grieving continues long past the time when the calls, texts, casseroles, and cards stop coming. It is therefore common to feel alone in your experience.
Honoring the multitude of feelings we may experience often means resisting the message to “pull myself together”. Making space for tears means listening to our hearts and bodies carefully and giving ourselves what we need. Needing coffee and a hug with a friend, tears in the shower, walks with your dog, time in nature, journaling, music, time alone, time with others, a funny movie, and even diving into work or something creative are all examples of needs you may have. You may also need to reach out for support from a grief group or therapist to process the pain. The needs change from day to day and moment to moment. Rather than compare your grief experience to that of others, it is important to be compassionate to yourself and hold respect for your own journey. It will not look exactly like anyone else’s.
As Irving says in the quote above, tears are sacred. Your grief is sacred as well. It is a reflection of the deep meaning this person had in your life and you in theirs. If you believe that counseling is a route you would like to consider in your own process, please feel free to contact any of the therapists here at Foundation Counseling. We wish those in the midst of such a loss, strength and courage along the way.
Thank you for reading. Lydia dedicates this post to her dear father. Learn more about Lydia and her counseling practice here.
3 thoughts on “Making Space for Grief”
Great post, Lydia!
Sent from my iPad
Thank you for this articulate reminder that we can’t ignore grief but must welcome it as part of a healing process.
Hey Lydia, I am having to stay In South Carolina a couple extra days because the rain has kept the rental people from picking up the table chairs and royal throne. I am sitting in Amy’s house alone and catching up on my emails and I finally read your blog. Funny how if I had read it earlier I would have gotten a whole different meaning from it. I realize your blog was referencing mourning from a death and that you likely were writing it to yourself along with everyone else who is looking to fill that hole. However, I realized that I was not addressing the hole left in my life with Amy moving on in marriage. Thanks for your encouraging words and reminder that I need to address my feelings. Please know that you are in my prayers. Mr. Gray Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone